Self-Pity

I think everyone owns one – THAT hat! That “Self-Pity” hat! I’m not sure there are many of us who enjoy wearing it or purposefully put it on but every now and again it sneaks up on you and before you know it, there it is; owning YOU! I can honestly say - I loathe my self-pity hat! It’s ugly, it makes me feel worthless and uncomfortable and as hard as I try, it never seems to go away. Well, my friends, I’ve had a breakthrough!

I had THE WORST book signing at the Baltimore Book Festival on Friday!!! Let me get off topic for just a second…

My husband always tries to mend my broken heart, LOVE that about him. I mentioned above that I’m married to a superhero, right!?! Re-read my profile statement…it’s there. Yup, a superhero – he’s not weighed down by anything. Sure, he stresses out and often feels the pressures of life but his attitude towards it is one to be admired. He is, by every stretch of the imagination, MY superhero! He is always saying, “Don’t worry; tomorrow is a new day.” “It’s only money!” “It is what it is!” I love his cavalier demeanor and his chillax composure.

…so, I’m at the Book Festival and it’s raining – let me rephrase that, it’s POORING!!! Just when I think it can’t possibly rain anymore, the tent starts to leak, right on my table! Puddles are forming, my lunch box is soaking wet, my suitcase is wrapped in a plastic trash bag (thanks to the wonderful lady sitting next to me) and my hair looks like it’s going to be featured in the next episode of Fashion Police! It’s AWFUL!!! I paid $100 to go to this event and I sold two books! Ugh!! WORST BOOKSIGNING EVER!

Anyway, my self-pity hat was shining brightly that day I can tell you! But then, something happened. A man walked into the tent. No, that is not the shocking part!! No one really paid him any mind until he knocked two books, belonging to another author, off of his table and into a puddle. We’re not talking about a little drop of water, either; I’m talking a swimming pool for a frog kind of puddle. Two books, *plop* right into the water. That got everyone’s attention. He quickly picked them up and handed them to the author without a word, grabbed a few pieces of candy that he had sitting on his table and quickly walked away. At first I was appalled, “Can you believe that guy?” But, then it occurred to me (as I watched him return and come to my table for more candy) that he was homeless and simply in search of his next meal. I didn’t know who to feel worse for, the author who had to throw away two books or the homeless man who is eating candy for dinner.

[Enter superhero] I talked to my husband very shortly afterwards and he said something that really touched me. He said, “What if it was you? Who would you feel bad for, then?” Well, that’s easy, the homeless man of course! I can afford to throw away two books – I certainly wouldn’t want to, but if it were me that it happened to, I wouldn’t feel bad for myself! And, just like that, I started thinking about my miserable day…there is always someone who’s having a worse day, is mine really that bad? My hair…there are some people with no hair! My lunch box…there are some without a lunch in their bags. My suitcase…it only holds my books, there are some suitcases that hold everything in the world to some people.

God has truly blessed me and for that I will throw away my stupid, arrogant, ugly Self-Pity hat and I will be thankful for all of the blessings that I have been given. When I feel low and depressed, I will pray for those around me and far away that don’t have it as good as I do. And, when I feel like that hat is creeping out of the trash and back into my life, I will go out and make a difference in someone else’s life. Wait! I take that back, I will not wait for the hat to return before I do something nice for someone else. I will be on the lookout EVERYDAY for ways that I can help, comfort, love, support and/or simply be a shoulder for someone else. That is my vow to you and the world – I will not be so consumed with myself that I cannot see the homeless man who enters the tent until he knocks over books.

I won! I won!! An Award? For ME!?!

I've been blogging since March of this year and I've had a great time of it. It's a great way to release stress, vent, share my work and just write for the sake of writing. I love blogging. Well, today I was surprised by a dear friend, with a Liebster award! A what!?! I didn't know at first, either, but you have to love Google! It's an award given by friends who really like your blog (and you have to have fewer than 200 followers -  I DEFINITELY fit that criteria!) So now, with my 16 followers, my blog and my Liebster Award I am invincible!! At least while I'm writing this ;) So a BIG, HUGE thank you to Lisa Tortorello for this award! You can follow her blog at http://lisatortorello.blogspot.com/

There are just a few rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them.

2. Give the Liebster Award to five bloggers and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Have faith your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

5. And best of all – enjoy!

So, here's where I stray from the rules a bit! You know me - I dance to the beat of my own drum and when I smell a chain letter I'm ALWAYS the first to run in the opposite direction. But, on that note, I do have to give credit where credit is due and if that means that three wonderful ladies get some more traffic on their blogs, then color me a conformist...

The Liebster award is presented to blogs with less than 200 followers, but definitely deserve more! AND THE WINNERS ARE...

Christina Thompson - A day in the life of... (http://christina-adayinthelifeof.blogspot.com/)

Jaimie O'Dell - Little Birdie (http://littlebirdie-jaimielea.blogspot.com/)

Chanel Michelle - The Unknown Artist (http://unknownartist-annapolis.blogspot.com/)

My Firsts...

This picture was published in the College of Southern Maryland's Connection Magazine in the fall of 2006. That publication marked the very first time I had been published for anything, anywhere...it was a VERY proud time for us.

The very next semester, I had enrolled at the College of Southern Maryland and my Communication's Instructor was one of the editors for the Connections Magazine. He encouraged his class to submit something and this was my submission, which won a spot in the magazine in the Spring 2007 issue.

Am I Too Old For This?

I’ve gone back to college,

After being out nearly a decade.
Am I too old for this?

I’m not going for my bachelor degree,

Or even my masters.
No, I’m back for my associates.
I am too old for this!

I sit in my class,

And I’m surrounded by children –
And not the kind I’m used to.
I am so old for this!

My English Professor asks for an essay,
Done in MLA style.
What!?!
I am so old…but I can Google!

My Communications Professor is awesome.
Thank God he’s older than me!

They say there are no stupid questions,

Believe me – there are.
Maybe being old(er) is good.

I’ve survived almost thirty years of life,

I can survive this.
I am not too old!


And then, third times a charm, I submitted one more. This time a prose with a story line that was so "out of the norm" for me and that made it all the more fun! This was published in the Fall of 2007. Don't overthink it...

Sand Through My Fingers

      

I sit here on my beach alone, thinking.  I bury my feet in the cool sand.  I help myself to fistfuls, and watch as it slips through my fingers.  I feel the warmth of my skin as the mid-afternoon sun rests upon me.  I beckon the rays to take away the chill inside me, but it’s to no avail – I am alone here, thinking.

He asked and I ignored him, hoping he would think I didn’t hear.  He asked again, louder, this time taking my hands in his.  I was silent, trying to ignore him, again, but he saw the answer in my eyes.  The sadness in his face echoed in my mind, but I ignored that, too.  The conversation was over, for now, but I knew he’d return again with the same pleading eyes.

He reached out to me and I pushed him away.  All he wanted was to talk, maybe to tell me about his day.  Maybe to enlighten me on the subject of electricity, maybe just to hear me talk.  For whatever reason I pushed him away.  “I’m too busy right now,” I assured him.  “We’ll talk tonight,” I promised, but tonight never came and neither did our talk, because when the sun set I ignored him and pushed him away.

He tried to love me and all I wanted was to be alone.  In my heart I wanted to love him and feel his love in return.  In my soul I needed to be submerged in love – by his love, but I ignored him, pushed him away, and demanded to be alone.

He walked out and I watched in silence as he went.  In my heart I screamed “Stop!  Please don’t leave,” but the words never touched my lips.  “I’ll change,” I should’ve said, but would I?  So many nights I promised myself I would be different in the morning, but when the sun rose there was no change.  “It’ll be different tomorrow,” I told myself.  “Today is a bad day, it’ll be different tomorrow.”  I’m still waiting for tomorrow to come.

So I sit here, on my beach, alone - thinking.  Thinking about all the tomorrow’s that came and went.  All those tomorrow’s that slipped through my fingers.  The people who slipped through my fingers because I chose to ignore and push them away.  I sit here, on my beach, alone.  I pick up the sand and feel it slip through my fingers.  I sit here, cold and alone.